What Happens When Friends Flee

(a repost from my almost extinct Multiply site)

The term "BFF" is so... lame. However, it is a term I find perfectly applicable to call a friend of mine who has just fled to another country. If I've noticed anything over the years, it's this: those who have to leave are always those I'm closest to. It's inevitable that I should wonder, am I some kind of undercover-top-secret kind of friend repellent? Or is it just sheer coincidence?

Again, this friend of mine was not just any friend. She was my best(est) friend - my BFF, in "lame man's" terms. She was my number one confidant. She knew things about me that no one else knew, or had any inkling of. She read my thoughts and emotions so well, even when I try my best to conceal them. She knew me best out of anyone in this world - possibly even more than my own mother! And of course, by "sheer coincidence", she had to go too.

I went through the exact same thing when my other "BFF" (I have only 2) decided to flee this country for greener pastures years ago. I still miss her to this very day. But I can't say I blame them for leaving. I know that right now, my country doesn't seem to have many options when it comes to making a comfortable life and building a promising future. I should know, considering my bank account. Pardon my bitterness for saying this, but I will say it: today, I hate America.

My Pop and I were talking yesterday and he mentioned that when he was younger, a few good friends of his also fled because of the whole "greener pastures" situation. We never really got to finish the conversation, because I was only dropping him off at the hospital and I couldn't just double park on a busy street. But it helped me to think that a good kind, or in our case, the best kind of friendship doesn't dissolve into thin air. My Pop still keeps in touch with his friends and when he gets a chance to, visits from time to time. I know that this too, will be the case with me. And it makes me feel the littlest bit better.

Sometimes I think that I should get out of here too because to be honest, it kind of sucks here. But then I snap out of it because I realize it's the bitterness talking, not me. Perhaps someday I will, but the reason for it definitely won't be because I feel so left behind.

Here's a resolution: I want to stop looking behind and start looking forward. I am who I am, with friends or without. Maybe it's better for me to have less people in my life, so that I can make better decisions without other people's opinions clouding my judgement. I've experienced having a battalion of friends, without really knowing anyone in it and I much prefer the quiet little platoon I'm in now.

When friends flee, especially the best(est) of friends, they leave behind a conflict of emotions. You feel happy for them and sad for yourself. I hate to admit it, but I am guilty of secretly wishing her trip would become nothing more than a long vacation. Self-pity is so damaging, it can eat you up whole and spit out the bones.

Nonetheless, I sincerely feel happy for her. If you love someone, you want what's best for them, and I do. Really. Despite my whining, I do.